Marco's Not To Do List
by lkc159
Summary: What happens if the other Animorphs get tired of Marco and force him to write a Not-To-Do List? What would be on it, and what would the Animorphs' reactions be to what he writes? Story is not complete. Far from it.
1. The First Step

Disclaimer: All characters here are from the brilliant mind of K. A. Applegate. Anything you recognize is most probably hers. Anything you don't is probably my addition.

Note #1: This is my first attempt at fanfic. Therefore, if you're reading this, please review and offer tips ^^ cause I'm sure I'll need them.

Note #2: I'm Singaporean, so bits of Singapore Colloquial English (a.k.a. Singlish) may creep into what I type from time to time. Please inform me if you find any of it and I'll try to change it (operative word being try. I 'm not sure how to do so at the moment. LOL)

Note #3: I got this idea after reading "150 Things I am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts" and other variants.

{} – Thought speech.

My name is Marco.

Marco the Magnificent.

*SMACK*

"OWW! That hurt!"

"Get on with that list, Marco! Or you'll get more than just a smack upside the head!"

That would be Rachel. I just knew she couldn't resist touching me.

"Where on earth did you get – AHHH! RACHEL! PLEASE PUT THE SPADE DOWN! I'M BEGGING YOU!"

Anyway, I'm being forced to write this long list of what I shouldn't ever do. That would be because my comrades in arms have apparently refused to ever talk to me again if I ever do any more of the things on this list. Otherwise Rachel will… hit me with the spade. And trust me when I say you don't want to be hit by one. The pain is excruciating. The only thing worse than that is watching my best friend Jake and his girlfriend Cassie making ou–

*SMACK* "OUCH!" *WHACK* "AHH!" *THWACK* "OUCH! CASSIE! And I thought you were – OWW! – supposed to be the gentle one! Jake! Pull your crazy – HELP! OW! – girlfriend off me! AHH! You're supposed to be – AHH! – my best friend!"

Cassie's coming at me again with her arm raised (Does anyone else spot the irony in that she's hitting me using her arms while being unarmed at the same time? I'll need to find a way to disarm her before I get permanently harmed [Oh wait. I can morph.]), and with this fake, sweet smile plastered on her face. And all Jake does is sit there and laugh at me. Figures. Your best friend abandons you the moment his girlfriend gets mad. I suppose that's future training for when the wife goes on a rampage – stay out of the way. Then again, Tobias would so totally join Rachel in causing mayhem and destruction.

{That's right, and I'll go all mayhem and destruction on your belongings if you don't start typing that list soon!}

Great. Tobias is glaring at me with his super-powered hawk eye vision, perched over my – "WAIT! ARE THOSE MY SPIDERMAN COMICS?"

{Spiderman, Batman, X-Men and every other comic you own is in this pile. Heh. I guess you could say they'll be on my shit list if you don't start. And not the proverbial one, either.}

"WHAT? Okay, wait. You don't know where I keep all my stuff! Which means… JAKE! You're supposed to be my best friend!"

"Thing is, my best friend Marco, you've been going way over the line recently. And we have had enough," Jake says in that totally serious way. Which I know is a façade. He's really trying to hide the fact that on the inside he's laughing like he's been given control of the weapons station of a Dome ship. Which is so totally wrong, because I would get there first. And be better at it than he is.

Anyway. This list is what I'm not supposed to do anymore. In other words, Jake wants me to write down everything that makes my life worth living. With, of course, input from every other person there because they all want to have a say in what I'm not allowed to do. Isn't that just ironic?

Oh well. Here goes.

**Number 1**. I will not lock Jake and Cassie in a small closet just to see what would happen.

**Number 2**. I will stop singing about Rachel and Tobias in a tree and whatever usually follows after that. This despite the fact that Rachel regularly goes up Tobias' tree. That and the fact that that you can only do so much in a tree with a mouth and a bea–

"OWW! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Let me get on with this!"

{Dude, you cannot sing to save your life. I've heard you in the shower. It sounds like a flock of jays screeching.}

"That hurts me. It really does. Maybe I'll get you a grindstone for your birthday, because obviously neither your tongue nor your wit appears to be sharp enough to insult well."

"Marco?"

"Yes, Rachel? Here to defend your birdboy's honour?"

"Just so you know, I still have the spade."

"Ooooooh. Okay, okay, I'm typing."

**Number 3**. I will not pull Jake's trousers down in front of Cassie just to answer her unasked question about boxers or briefs. Jeez, I was being nice. Who doesn't want their questions answered? Besides rhetorical questions, of course.

{Marco?}

"Yes, Birdboy?"

{I couldn't help but notice what you just typed.}

"Well, isn't that why you're here in the first place? To watch me renounce my addiction to every bit of my life that I think is fun?"

{Aha. So If I ask you a question now, you'll answer it for me?}

"Shoot."

{So… I've been wondering. Boxers or Briefs?}

...

...

"AHH! JAKE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND!"


	2. The Unexplored

IMPORTANT EDIT/NOTE:  
**_I'm going to be doing my 1 year and 10 months (1 year and 8 months left now) of NS starting early Feb, and therefore will be unable to continue writing regularly... if I even do.  
_****_Chapter 3 update: I started it from before I enlisted... but it's still very much in the works. If you've been eagerly waiting for it... well I'm sorry, but I refuse to rush it cause it would probably come out badly. _****_I'm sorry about making you wait, though x.x_**

So. As a New Year's present, here's Chapter 2! Here's wishing all readers a Happy New Year 2011, and if you wish me the same thing then you can make it happen by leaving a review ^^

Tobias Mason Park: Thanks! ^^ That was quite encouraging

Jen1490: That's for your imagination to think about :)

Disclaimer: In Chapter 1.

_Notes #1 and #2 apply._

"So, after that totally degrading and undignified experience…"

"Oh come on, Marco. Stop being a whiny crybaby. It wasn't as bad what you did to Jake. You don't have a girlfriend or cousin here to watch you get totally embarrassed. Or should that be 'em-bare-ass-ed'?" Rachel jibed.

"Right. Luckily, Cassie has some sense of when to pull Jake off before it reached that point where my dignity would have been totally lost. Nope, nowhere near as bad as Jake's experience. At least I stopped earlier than Jake did."

{Well, at least now you know that sometimes it's best to leave some questions unanswered. For some people, anyway.}

"Anyway, passing over what Jake just did to me earlier, and going back to the list. Otherwise poor Tobias will never get back to his meadow. Some larger, more terrifying hawk might come to steal it from him like that time a few weeks ago. Poor Tobias," I said snidely.

{How on Earth do you know about that? I don't remember ever telling anyone except Rachel. And you're too unobservant about these things.}

Oops.

"I never told Marco anything. He'd probably think it was funny and laugh at you for the next few days. Which means…" Rachel paused, deep in thought, and then glared daggers at me. Which meant that Rachel had just reached the only possible conclusion that could be drawn. Which was the correct conclusion, by the way. If those daggers were real, I would be decapitated. And a few days later you'd find my head on Rachel's wall being used as a dartboard.

*Gulp*

Goodbye, world.

"IT WAS YOU! THAT HAWK WAS YOU! Do you know how much stress and worry you gave Tobias? Did you know how terribly frightened he was of losing whatever little territory he managed to get! When I get my hands on your sorry arse…!"

Hell hath no fury like a Rachel whose lover was threatened. It would be sweet, if the Rachel in question wasn't currently advancing toward me. Every muscle in her arms and legs was threatening to become highly acquainted with my body.

"Ohh. Marco, my man, you have just landed yourself in deep, deep trouble."

"You know what? Now's a really bad time for me to be typing this list. If you'll just let me get back to you guys later… heh." I nervously chuckled. But before I could get up and run, Rachel slammed her hands onto the chair I was sitting on and positioned her face a few inches away from mine.

"Never. Ever. Do. That. To. Tobias. Again." And she punctuated each word with a sharp jab into my chest.

"Ow! Okay, okay, Xena! I'll never, ever do that again! I promise! Jake! Cassie! Tobias! HELP ME!" My voice had probably just gotten so high nobody would be able to hear it soon.

{I never knew Marco could do such an impressive imitation of a terrified mouse.}

Rachel's face suddenly lit up, like she was struck with a sudden brainwave. Unfortunately for me, she was. Struck with a sudden brainwave, that is. "You know, people, I could get Marco to promise anything now. He's so scared of me he's probably going to agree to everything. Any requests?"

I would have made some comment about how great power came with great responsibility and she should be responsible instead of trying to make me wet my pants in sheer terror but to be honest my brain had pretty much frozen up at that point. Thankfully Jake decided to redeem himself and remain my best friend by pulling Rachel off.

"Come on Rachel, let's just get this whole thing over and done with. After all, Tobias DOES need to get back to his meadow sometime soon, and you can always threaten Marco later."

Scratch the part about Jake redeeming himself.

Anyway.

**Number 4**. I shall not freak Tobias out by 1) morphing that larger-than-Tobias red-tailed-hawk that I acquired the other day and 2) landing on a tree in his pasture.

"Okay. What else in my life do you guys want me to give up? Pocket change? Satisfaction? Happiness? Intelligence?"

"You should give up your looks. Then at least people who see you won't have to wait until you open your mouth to know that you're dumb. Saves everyone a lot of time, really."

"Straight through the heart, Rachel." I mimed sticking a blade through my heart. "Wait. Did Rachel just admit that I'm cute? Or that I'm good looking? Or both?"

"In your dreams, maybe. I'm just saying you don't look as stupid as you are. Which is unfortunate for the rest of the world who has to talk to you at least once before finding out that your shoe size is probably higher than your IQ."

Just then, who should walk in but the remaining missing member of the Animorphs. Who also just happened to be the one who was not human. He was in human morph, thankfully. My father might have been working but a four-eyed scorpion-tailed freaky blue deer isn't exactly easy to miss, even by the less-than-average person on the street.

{Hello Rachel, Cassie, Tobias, Marco, Prince Jake. What are you doing with the computer?}

"Don't call me Prince. And Marco's making a list."

"Correction. They're making me make a list."

{I see. These Messages have mentioned that one should create lists if they start to find themselves losing their memory or nor remembering things that they should. Marco, are you losing your memory?}

"It's not that kind of a list, Ax. Marco has done very stupid things recently that have angered almost all of us. The problem is that he finds these kinds of things funny. So we are trying to stop him from doing these things ever again by creating a list of things he should not do."

"I am of the opinion that I could live my life without an extra person telling me what to do. However, unfortunately for me, daddy over there, along with mummy, daddy's crazy cousin and the birdbrained in-law refuse to even listen to me. What a dysfunctional little family we are."

{Ah. How about the time where you almost made me contact the Andalite home world because you made me think that there were psychic spoon-wielding warriors on Earth who could defeat enemies with their telekinetic powers?}

"Hey, not you too! And it's not my fault you believe everything you watch on your TV, you know! Even little human kids can tell that they aren't real. Hmm. I never knew that I sould be THAT persuasive."

" You almost made Ax divert the Andalite Fleet away from Earth because he thought we wouldn't require their aid! It was fortunate that Cassie was nearby and asked Ax what he was doing! Which was terrible anyway, because Cassie's almost as bad at popular culture as Ax is!"

Great. Rachel was beginning to rave again. I could just imagine little flecks of foam flying out of her mouth. Oh wait. That wasn't foam, that was saliva.

And it almost hit me in the face.

Eww.

**Number 5**. I shall not try to convince Ax that Alakazam (or Pokemon in general) are real.

"I don't get why this is something I have to avoid, anyway. Ax, with all his amazing Andalite sensibilities, should be able to tell truth from fiction. I mean, after all, the Yeerks were able to tell that Pokemon weren't real."

Suddenly, I saw Ax's hooves flying in my direction from the corner of my eye.

*THUMP*

"AHHH!"


	3. The Diabetic

Disclaimer: I WANT THE ANIMORPHS.

Notes #1 and #2 apply.

Sorry about the really, really long delay, guys! About a year ago, I wrote the first few paragraphs, deliberated on the middle for a few weeks, then came up with three different scenarios for this chapter. I discarded the first two because they just seemed so weak and un-comedic. This third one is slightly better. Unfortunately, the chapter didn't really come out the way I wanted it to. I normally wouldn't post unless I'm happy with the product, but I doubt it will get much better after having worked on it on and off (mostly off) for the better part of half a year … so I'm really, really sorry if this doesn't meet your standards, OK?

On with the story! And please review!

* * *

"Oww."

I rubbed my butt. Ax had kicked the chair out from under me. Talk about adding injury to insult.

{Do NOT compare me to a Yeerk,} Ax said, highly irritated. {I do not have the ability to control your speech or steal your body. It therefore follows that I do not have the advantage of reading minds.} I seriously considered making a comment about how the Yeerks were superior in that way just to grind his nerves right about then. But then, Ax continued by saying, {Of course, I could always take this opportunity to morph a Leeran, but I highly doubt you'd appreciate that invasion of privacy.}

That pretty much shut me up at that point.

I mean, do you think I would let anyone else share my brain and see my greatest hopes and wildest dreams? Let anyone else view my most alluring fantasies regarding the many hot chicks on Baywatch? Let anyone see how I pictured those babes from the latest issue of Playb–

"Hey! Let's keep this family friendly! We don't need any of your disturbing fantasies floating around here!" Jake chuckled with that ever-so-annoying look of laughter on his face. I swear, the guy's known me for so long he probably already knows more than half of what I'm thinking. Which is usually good, but in this case is a horrible, terrible power. Especially when he's using it to reveal the secrets I don't want revealed. I mean, no one would know what I was thinking if it weren't for him!

"Eew! No thanks, Jake, I don't really want to know more about what goes through his pathetic excuse for a mind." Rachel's face was twisted into this expression of disgust that gave her more than just a passing resemblance to a schizophrenic parrot suffering from constipation.

Thankfully, Jake didn't complete that thought. Otherwise, he might have startled Rachel, she would have come after me, and I would have been left for dead. By my best friend, of all people. That big, strong, manly Jake that would stare at Cassie with that hopeless, soppy, mushy gaze that desperately screamed "CASSIE, I WANT TO BE YOUR SLAVE FOREVER!"

Love, I tell you. It's an un-understandable emotion. And really? "Disturbing fantasies"? That was just begging for retaliation. I felt somewhat less guilty about what I was about to do after remembering that Jake would have no problem with cruelly letting his best friend be murdered by an Amazonian who spends half her time on gladly succumbing to fits of uncontrollable madness, half on unwarranted actions towards people shorter than her, half on flirting with Birdboy over there, half on unrestrained shopping sprees, and half on making me fail math by making me think that one has more than two halves in it.

I mean, all's fair in love and war. And this is a little bit of both, isn't it? We all know Jake loves Cassie even if he doesn't want to admit it, and he just essentially declared war on me.

I was SO looking forward to this.

"You're one to talk about disturbing fantasies, Fearless Leader," I smirked. "We all know what you feel for and what you FANTASIZE about when it comes our resident Tobias-poop wearing expert." I waggled my eyebrows at Jake, who just gazed tolerantly at me.

{I'm no pigeon.} Tobias observed snidely. {But your mouth might be a better place to locate my… ah… Tobias-poop, as you so eloquently put it. Especially if you decide to keep opening it.}

"Anyway I'm not the one you should be looking at when it comes to disturbing fantasies. You all should know that SOMEONE ELSE in this room has had fantasies of a rather… revealing nature about Jakey-boy over here, I must say." I was trying very hard to control my snickering, and was having a lot of trouble with it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Cassie pale. Was I about to…?

Why yes. Yes, I was. Getting two lovebirds with one stone was way too good to pass up. My smirk quickly turned into a full-blown grin. "Like the last time when I walked past Cassie in the hall near the lockers and caught sight of her staring almost catatonically, mouth open, at a certain colour photograph that was lying on top of her books…"

"No! Marco! Please! Don't!" Cassie all but shrieked. I inwardly marveled at Cassie's ability to turn such a magnificent shade of pink, as well her ability to change colours more rapidly than a traffic light. Too bad she was too embarrassed back then to make me promise not to tell. Not to mention that I was the one who left the picture for her to find in the first place… but she didn't know that. And I have no intention of letting her find out about that. Ever. I would have died in less than half the time it would take for Jake to surface for air after kissing Cassie.

I should know. I've actually timed them before. And photographed them. And got threatened with a stomping by Rachel who accused me of ruining a romantic moment.

"Spit it out, Marco." Rachel impatiently demanded. "What is it you saw that has Cassie so flustered?" she asked, eying Cassie as she bypassed pink and started turning a rather impressive shade of crimson.

"You remember during the school sports day a few months back where the school had this basketball competition, and Jake took part?"

{And just what does that have to do with why Cassie looks like a sunburned tomato?} Tobias supplied.

"There was this wonderful photo taken then. Really amazing, if I say so myself. Cassie would definitely agree, wouldn't you?"

Cassie looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"It was this picture of Jake…"

Ax looked totally nonplussed.

"… walking around after the game…"

Rachel looked like she was about to kill me for dragging this out.

"…**NAKED**!"

Silence.

Pure, uninterrupted silence.

Then –

{Ah. I have learned from watching human TV that being in a situation of having little to no artificial skin on is essential to the act of human reprodu–}

And that was when Cassie choked due to disbelief, Jake due to embarrassment, and Rachel due to barely veiled laughter.

"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! Cassie! Please tell me he isn't serious!" Rachel was just guffawing loudly now and rolling around on the bed, while Cassie frantically tried to shout Rachel down. Jake was just staring at the ground – if he could dig a hole in the ground to hide, he'd probably be halfway to Australia by now.

"HE– WHAT– I– IT WASN'T! It– It wasn't that kind of photo! Marco's lying! It was just, you know," Cassie glanced around at everyone except Jake with pleading eyes and a flushed face, "A photo of him without his shirt on! And I wasn't even the one who took that photo! It was just in my locker at school one day!"

"So would it be safe to assume that since then, you've been fantasizing about his broad, manly chest? Dreaming about running your hands over his washboard abs? Don't you wish you could touch his rock solid pecs?"

HAH! This was so AWESOME. I was in my element and could probably go on forever. I definitely wished I could capture their expressions. Rachel was wiping TEARS from her eyes! And best of all, Jake just continued looking at the ground in mortification with his face still looking like a baboon's backside! REVENGE IS SWEET.

{I am still unsure about what is happening. Marco, would you care to explain why Cassie looking at an image of Prince Jake without his artificial skin is significant?} Ax queried.

"Ax. It simply means that Cassie has the hots for our fearless leader. She wants his body. He's sexy and she knows it!"

{She wants to hold Prince Jake and move around with him in time to human music?} Ax wondered.

"Not exactly, Ax. You see, when a daddy Andalite and a mummy Andalite like each other very much…" At that, Tobias actually squawked and fell off his perch, Cassie buried her face in her hands, Jake moaned in despair and Ax nodded in understanding.

{I see. But from what I understand of human biology and culture, aren't Prince Jake and Cassie too young to be having sexual intercourse?}

Another round of near-silence ensued, in which the only sound heard was Rachel bursting into fresh gales of laughter.

{Actually, Ax-man, it's more like when a young male Andalite likes a young female Andalite…}

{I see. Courtship. So Prince Jake and Cassie are attracted to each other physically and mentally, then?}

"There's only one way to find out." I had a sudden brainwave. "Hey, Ax, I have an idea. You acquired all of us to create your human morph, right? So you still can morph of each of us?"

{That would be correct.}

"Here goes. I propose that we do a experiment and scientifically test a theory."

{I do not see why not. Scientific experimentation forms the basis of all theories and will allow us to explore and learn more. What experiment would we be performing?} Ax enquired.

"I have a bad feeling about this…" I heard Jake muttering under his breath.

I rubbed my hands together the way I imagined a mad, evil genius scientist would. "We should test the theory that Cassie is physically attracted to Jake's body. Since Cassie apparently needs her daily dose of Jake eye candy, you can morph Jake! You've done it before, and Jake's okay with it. Two Jakes should be more than enough for her."

Cassie groaned. Jake shook his head and rolled his eyes at me. "Another one of your harebrained schemes, I don't doubt."

...

...

Right. Whatever. He could say what he wanted to, because I was going to win this round.

Hands down.

In a whisper to Ax, I added, "Only this time, do it without the morphing outfit."

* * *

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

REVIEW!


	4. The Betrayal

Disclaimer: Hi Ms. Applegate! Can I have Marco, at least? PLEASE? *sad puppy eyes*

I know, I'm a slow worker. Sorry!

On we go!

* * *

_"In a whisper to Ax, I added, "Only this time, do it without the morphing outfit."_

…

…

{Marco, I am of the opinion that not wearing artificial skin at all while in the presence of other humans is considered socially unacceptable. Even if Prince Jake is still young and sometimes restless.}

Damn. And just when it was going so well, too.

"Nice try." Rachel stared at me and slowly lifted an eyebrow, trying her hardest not to laugh.

"You DIDN'T." Cassie finally broke the silence, her head frantically shaking in sheer disbelief at my unadulterated genius.

I was joking about the unadulterated genius bit, unfortunately.

Jake was wearing the kind of horrified, trapped expression like the last time when Rachel and I tried to coerce him into asking Cassie out on a date. Then again, that could have been because I told Cassie outright that Jake wanted to ask her out but didn't have the guts to do so right in front of him. Just to get him to do something. ANYTHING instead of just having him dwelling in certain… individual physical activities… that may or may not have involved several of his fantasies (you did not hear anything from me).

Don't look at me that way; it was for a noble purpose!

It was a pity that the dude didn't know what hit him and spent the next half an hour locked in a stuttering contest with Cassie.

Oh well. You know what they say about not succeeding.

"What? So you don't want to see how much of a… Tiger… Jake really is?" I enquired suggestively, leering at her the entire time.

"What?! No! Yes! Wait, I mean, no! No I don't!" a flustered Cassie frantically protested as Rachel started howling again.

"Fearless leader! Tell us a little more about how you feel knowing that Cassie is looking forward to seeing what a sexy beast you really are!" I thrust my fist right in front of his mouth as if I was conducting an interview with a big celebrity.

"MARCO!" Cassie, of course. Which so totally didn't cover up for her earlier slip.

Jake, face flushed red, looked slightly crazed and thoroughly humiliated as he listened to us discussing his manly, macho body (among other things) that Cassie was just dying to get to know better. If I didn't know better, I would have said that he was really enjoying this.

Well, unfortunately for dear old Jake over there, I DO know better. *evil grin*

"Come on, Big Jake, show her the goods!"

"Shut. Up." was all he growled out.

"Ooooh, the man already sounds like he's halfway tiger! What a wild, untamed animal we have here!"

"Shut UP, Marco!" Cassie and Jake, together this time. Awwwww.

{That's it, you've been watching wayyy too much porn.}

"She wants to become more acquainted with your perfect body, you studly slab of man-bea-!"

And that was when Jake just lost it, grabbed me, and started to torture me with the worst punishment imaginable.

"Ahahahahahehehee- NOOOOO! You c-can't dod th- hahahaheheheAHAHAH! HEahahaheSTOP!"

{Huh. Who would have known that Marco was so ticklish?}

...

...

Far too long later, after I had lost almost every single shred of dignity I ever had rolling around on the floor screaming and begging, Jake belatedly let me go. I scooted as far away as possible from him into a corner of my room and glared at him. "Does Cassie know you're cheating on her with me?"

Of course, Jake got my little hidden message about him being an opportunistic betrayer the likes of which the world had never seen, and so just grinned and calmly retorted, "All's fair in love and war, Marco. And this is a little bit of both."

Right.

I hate having my own words thrown back at me.

So anyway.

**Number 6**. I will not make use of Ax by having him morph naked people that Cassie would love to ogle. This especially applies when it happens to be Jake.

Jake raised his fingers and wriggled them ominously.

"Alright, alright. I'm changing it. If only to avoid you outraging my modesty like that again."

So, grumbling under my breath about the whole inanity and unfairness of it all, I very reluctantly changed it to "I will not make use of Ax by having him morph naked people".

"You guys make me look like some kind of complete pervert. It's not my fault that what Cassie really wants is to see–"

"Do you really want to finish that sentence, Marco?" Rachel asked in a sweet voice that promised of further horrifying experiences to come. The maniacal twist on her face would not have looked out of place on an evil witch. "You're probably already one, anyway. I've lost count of the number of times you've talked about your own fantasies involving the Baywatch ladies and kidnapping Pamela Anderson so you could force her to be your slave wife."

"I never said that! Hmm… sounds like a plan, though."

"You didn't, but it would be the only occasion on which she would marry you."

{Burned!}

"Whatever, Wicked Witch of the West."

"Right. If I'm the Wicked Witch of the West, you must be one of the LITTLE munchkins, then."

{Who is this Pamela Anderson woman?} Ax wondered, totally mystified.

Valiantly trying to think of a proper comeback to Rachel's retort but failing rather miserably, I decided that discretion was the better part of valour and decided to respond to Ax instead. "Only the hottest lady in the world alive today. You're on the TV so much of the time and yet you've never watched Baywatch?"

{I do not think the TV has been built for the purpose of having an Andalite of my mass getting on it, Marco,} Ax stated. {I believe that would damage its structural integrity unnecessarily. Regardless, I have watched Baywatch and I agree that they are hot. After all, that is why they wear less artificial clothing on the show.}

…

…

{Was that not the appropriate response?} Ax wondered.

"People? It's been a nice sidetrack to Marco's little fantasyland of scantily clad women –"

"And men." Who else but Rachel?

"– and men," Jake acquiesced, "but I think it's time to get back to the main reason why we came here. And that is how to get Marco to stop doing stupid things that will endlessly annoy us."

"Can I do the same thing for each one of you then? You know, just to be fair. I mean, all of you annoy me on a really consistent basis. First on that list would not be organizing 'irritate Marco' parties like these and wasting time on making me write stupid lists like this one."

"Sorry, Marco, you're not getting out of this so easily."

"Damn. That's just unfortunate, cause I really just wanted to point out how Cassie could use that exact same point you made me put down in the list to closely examine your well-maintained tools once they're alone."

Jake just sighed, closed his eyes and started to massage his temples. Rachel looked at me with a whole new degree of disrespect in her eyes.

"I remember that when we first started out, we said that we would not use morphing for personal reasons. Let's just stick with that."

"You're only saying that because you didn't think of asking Ax to help you out first."

Jake groaned in frustration and despair.

With a smirk on my face, I continued, "Let me also just point out that you shouldn't be looking to acquire Cassie to do the exact same – OWW! What was that for?!" Rachel smacked me upside the head again, and it hurt. Again.

"Neither my cousin nor my best friend would do any such thing, because they're not as desperate as you. Now you, we're not so sure of, especially since it's unlikely that you'd ever get any girl for the rest of your natural life."

"That's alright. They'll all see how cute I am and come running over to me unable to resist my natural charm."

"Sure. Then you'd have to demorph and they'd be running away as quickly as possible in the opposite direction," Jake sniped. I think he was still feeling bitter about not being able to enlist Ax's help.

"I'll have you know that I've definitely heard someone call me "cute" with my own ears before."

{Who was she comparing you to? Frankenstein?}

"I wouldn't comment if I were you. I heard that a half-boy half-bird came in third."

{Yeah, well, thankfully my ability to be in a relationship doesn't depend on my looks, because you still wouldn't be getting anyone anyway.}

"Rachel and Tobias sitting in a tree…"

{I believe that was number two on this list.} Tobias pointed out matter-of-factly.

"K – I – S – S – I – Ahahahahahehehee JAKE! HEahahaheSAVEME!" I screamed as I started rolling around on the floor again.

"I think 5 minutes would be a sufficient punishment this time, Rachel."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Review! All constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!

I got stuck with a mental block after writing myself into a corner. At the same time, I'm working on another plot bunny that refused to get out of my head, so I'm kinda splitting my time between both now. The other story's called "Matchmaking", and it's currently my only other story on, so PLEASE go check it out if you have the time.

Chap 3 of Matchmaking is done, but I won't be uploading it just yet. Still trying to make it flow together more smoothly with Chap 4. I beg for your patience and understanding as I try to resolve this problem. :)


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